Random

I recognized that visiting blogs is like going to garage sales. It doesn't really matter what people put in their garage to sell because the random visitors are going to see what they do and don't like, regardless. So that's my motivation, I guess, for my blog. I want to clear some stuff out of my garage. If you like it, stick around and check it out. If not, I'm sure you'll find something to please you elsewhere on the Web.

I don't want to get too far today without thanking Kimmy, on the Blogger staff, for helping me to see my last posting. Being a newbie I did something amiss to yield a post I couldn't read. But it's there now; so thanks again, Kimmy.

Today the most prevalent thing on my conscious mind is a headache. The thing that bothers me about it is that it's been here for a few days, almost a week. The doctor said...well, I haven't gone to a doctor. Why would somebody have the money for a fat-pipe Internet connection but not take himself to the doctor? Good question. Spock would definitely question the logic of this. Well, I find myself between jobs at the present. This is definitely not someplace I wish to be but, nonetheless, I find myself here as an unemployed statistic. Undoubtedly, the stress of unemployment is not helping my headache.

I remember studying unemployment in UF's business college. It seemed so remote and non-threatening, like a thundercloud in another lifetime. The ironic thing, of course, was that as a student I was already unemployed - in a way. Sure I was studying and all, but with the socializing and out-right partying (that we all consider "perks of the educationally unemployed") it didn't seem like much of a job at all. Even group projects were fun, in their own special way. But you don't hear people in business suits touting any shameful debauchery while they cram out their white-board productions for their managers and VPs.

Anyway, I ended up changing from a business major to a liberal arts major, finally settling on Nursing. After starting my college education in music studies (voice), I found myself a long way from Kansas, so to speak. Now, after my liberal-minded education I find myself smack-dab in the middle of a liberalist's core statistic. I know I probably won't be in this statistical group for long, as a nurse, but it's definitely been a battle of confidence after losing my first career job. It doesn't matter what I, you, or anyone else says...losing your job is devastating. It has affected my professional confidence more deeply than I could have imagined. I knew I could get a job as a nurse when I started out, and I did. I thought I could keep that same job, but I didn't. The responsibility was and is mine and mine alone, no matter how much help I got along the way. And I let myself down, not to mention the friends and family that did help me along the way. I forgive myself and try to move on, but I'm still having trouble facing myself in the mirror.

Part of being a nurse is maintaining control of your emotions on the job. That is considered professionalism. The juxtaposition is that you are paid to care but you're not supposed to show it or get tied up in caring or feeling. I will wager to say that medical professions are involved in one of the most emotionally-demanding industries on the planet, barring but few contenders. Nursing, of all medical professions is, IMHO, the most emotionally demanding of them all. But, again, you're not supposed to get all wrapped up in the emotions of it all while you're on the job, and you're definitely not supposed to show unpoplular emotions on the job. I think that the only emotions allowed are industriousness and the occasional passing smile. I found out that I had a problem with that, after all. Come to think of it, I don't recall clearly that emotions were an issue in my nursing studies. We talked about professional demeanor, courtesy, and expectations...hmmm...I really don't remember talking about personal emotions and how to manage them on the job. That's probably one of the things I would teach most if I were teaching Nursing. I would tell my students that if they had any doubt in their emotional sanctity, they should definitely be prepared for a greater challenge in their new careers. And if they did not feel that they had doubt, I would warn them to address their emotional needs regularly...to keep that doubt in check. I feel that the doubt is likely always there, maybe just sometimes just louder. In any case, I found out on the job that I had some issues - issues that ended up costing me my job and my confidence.

I can't help but feeling that a nurse (along with an exponentially-increasing job description) functions as an emotional clearing house in the hospital setting. I had been involved in patient care in a few different respects prior to gaining my RN. But nothing that I had done could truly prepare me for this aspect of the career. Specifically: A nurse gets emotional backlash from many (not all, admittedly) physicians, residents, interns, and medical students. When a patient presents personal difficulty, obstinance, non-compliance, or other non-textbook issues, it is often the nurse whohas to handle the situation emotionally. The medical staff gets upset sometimes (understatement?) when things aren't going as they tried to plan. Well, there must be something the nurse can do to rectify the situation, right? IMHO, I have a paranoid suspicion that the independent culpability of nurses is something they teach in medical school. On the other hand, patients and their families are always emotinally distraught about their current circumstances. And who becomes the emotional arbiter for the patient and their family? Yup, the nurse does. 100% of the time. And if you don't get the samples to the lab in time, or if the patient craps himself on the way to Xray, the lab tech will definitely tell you what their thoughts about you are. The list is too long, even for cyberspace. Bottom line is: A nurse has to mediate alot of emotional turmoil, all the while maintaining this false storefront of "professionalism". Yeah, yeah, I know...everybody's got problems, kid.

I do recall, from nursing school, that I was told, "Nurses have to have thick skin. You just can't take it personally." What other way is there to take it when a patient's family is alleging your lack of skill or competence, or when a doctor is chewing you out in the middle of the hall in front of God and Creation. What happened to MD professionalism? Have they no standards? Have they no governance over their (often) lack of courtesy or their (more often) lack of mutual professional respect? I will venture to say that we nurses have to have more than just "thick skin". We need someplace that we can truly vent this stuff out. We are constantly confronted with the injustices of medical treatment, the inhumanity of the insurance industry, and the de-humanization of the patient/family customer unit. But don't take it personally. That just doesn't mean much to me. IMHO, anyone that believes that "hooey" is fooling themselves.

My last job I worked for a patient population who has already given more to society than most of the public could ever imagine, unless they watch alot of the History Channel. I had to watch each day as these patients were fed line after line of excuses as they waited for their treatments. I really learned why the medical customer is called a "patient". I used to tell some of my guys that, if I thought it would help. I found out that I have a huge chip on my shoulder regarding the care of this patient population. I can't explain to myself why a nation spends so much of its resources trying to develop new methods to eliminate the threats to our culture while it is so stingy in delivering care to the persons that delivered the "old methods". When I started to realize this I should have changed jobs right then and avoided the trouble that was to come. I mean, at that point I could have realized that fighting the uphill battle that is Nursing, in that setting, was not appropriate for me and that the mis-match of ideologies was unseating my professionalism more than I knew. I started to feel like it was me against my employer (and my employer's employer); that is not a good recipe for success in a job.

I also should have taken better care of myself emotionally. Not for the sake of keeping my job, really. More for the sake of the people to whom I lashed out. Of course, I sure wish I could take it back. From here, I can't fathom what I was thinking in situ; why couldn't I see myself falling apart. I just didn't handle the pressure well on that job. My fear now is that I won't be able to handle the pressure on a new job. I don't know how many times you can get fired in Nursing and still be considered employable. But from my perspective, right now, it seems like "zero" is the answer. I know that most of that is probably myself fighting myself, but that doesn't make it any easier to swallow that pill. I guess I'm just going to have to get more water.

Well, this has definitely been cheaper than counseling, for the flat rate of a Web connection. But the problem is now, at the time when counseling would give me feedback for what I've said. Hmmm...Nope, still can't hear any feedback. At least I found a place to vent. This is much better than screaming at a random cloud or tree when I tell the world what bothers me. Thanks for reading. Namaste.

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To live is to wonder.
To wonder is to live.
sds

* speaking of which, check out this link! *